♥
31.7.10
My dear laogong♥, if you're figuring wad i am thking, I tell you half of everything now.
I am trying, to be a good wife, perhaps a perfect one. Idk.
I wan, to make it feel that I'm worth your love
I wan, to let others think that I worth your love too.
It all comes w a story, 'll tell you, when n if you want to.
But ever since then, I have been questioning myself wad have I done to you? Am i rly doing the right thing to you? Do I even worth all your effort and love?
Idk. Thats why i'm trying hard, real hard, to be a good wife, idk how to, i've got loads to learn n improve.
But one thing I kept on maintaining, is to cherish you. Maybe I am doing it now, maybe i'm not.
Idk how much you've done for me, I'm trying my best to make your efforts feel paid off, sometimes somethings I don understand, or maybe I am expecting it, taking it for granted.
I don wan you to suffer in silence, it is a comfort to you sometimes whn I found out that you're actually contributing, to spot your effort.
You may think my past keeps on daunting on me, yeah so?
I used them to remind myself, keep on reminding myself not to let history of mistreating boyf to repeat themselves.
idk how I mistreated actually, but, sigh, i just dk. x(
Is it rly me who took them or granted? or vice versa ?
Maybe I've done sth wrong accidentally, unknowingly.
& uh, i have a strong character.
Very strong, like a man (!)
The most sadist thing I've done to myself due to breakup is to slit my wrist w a rusty penknife.
Once, just for once, I've even thought of lowering my pride to a limit where I wanted to kneel down n seek that guy's company beside me, not leaving mi, but obviously I didn't.
I was practically begging this guy( you shud roughly noe who nw) to stay.
Idk how cheap I was, till I snapped out of that dream.
I looked myself into the mirror weeks ltr, how much does the guy worth, why did I did that?
I srsly dk, I just felt damn cheap.
I lowered my pride trying to touch his heart again, but wad I got back were jeers from his peers.
I never stoop so low again.
Got into depressions aft depressions but self cure which i also dk how.
i just kept on thking n thking n thking. I'm sure you did the same too.
Now I thk back, I laughed at myself too.
Just laugh, how hilarious I was.
How bitchy n how cheap I was.
It's worse than an embarassing feeling, it was damn fucking cheap.
Guess the best song for that moment was "love the way you lie".
It was painful, but idk how I managed to start life afresh.
I guess Sherman, Boon Jian, Bianca n Schoolwork played quite a big part.
Till today, I still have face it, those eyes which looked down on me.
Idk how to lift my heads high infront of them, they witnessed how cheap I was.
Laogong♥, if one day you ever feel that you dont worth my love and feels like feeling me n letting go of mi for a "better" guy, I can be sure no one else can take up this job up to your standard.
If yo're nt gd enuf, nt worth enuf, who does?
Or maybe, if you thks you don worth my love n feel like letting go or giving up,
think to yourself- if you love her, you should be trying harder.
You've been rly rly great, how great? Very great.
The tears ystd was for that, I'm rly bad, nt gd, n insensitive.
I should have understand you more, I shouldn't have throw tantrums on you. I'm at fault, I sorry. ):
You were under big stress yet wad i did was only thinking of myself, fishmonger enough?
Don't reject my gifts, for that it's me giving it.
Don send me gifts, I'm used to give but not take.
Fair, I wan you to feel that you're being treated fairly, no, shud be
I wan you to feel that I treat you better than my exes.
I sent them gifts, I gt back jeers.
Ha, idk to cry or to smile.
tmr performance you jiayou, I'll be behind you, right behind.
Supports are expected from me, don reject. :D
It's gonna be great no worries.
Believe in yourself, I know you can do it well de.
Mwuahs. ♥
T. XINYU